Bite-Size Lessons to be More Agentic
Like learning to walk, being more agentic can be learned and nurtured into habit.
Rudolf Verber, known as Rudy, escapes Auschwitz after witnessing its horrors. Imprisoned at 17, he survives two years, whereas others perish in months. Despite unimaginable brutality, Rudy finds the courage to escape with his friend Fred Wetzler. Hiding in barrels covered in tobacco and gasoline for three days, they evade detection and run over 100km to Slovakia, escaping death with nothing but their clothes.
Thinking he can reunite with his childhood sweetheart, Gerta Sidonová, Rudy finds out that she tragically died shortly after his escape. Filled with rage and anger, instead of leaving his past behind, Rudy manifests a McKinsey-like report on Auschwitz's atrocities, which then reaches Winston Churchill by smuggling it across Europe. Many believed Rudy had saved over 200,000 people. His courage and determination bend reality to his will, embodying the highest form of agency.
Agency is the capacity to act independently, make free choices, and shape one's life. Not everyone is like Rudy, who manifests his own reality. Still, I believe we all have "Rudy" inside us, even if it's only a small dose:
“A small dose of consistent agency is much better than a bigger dose of occasional agency.”
According to Arthur C. Brooks, the author of Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier, having agency improves one's happiness. Believing we have control over our lives can change reality and make us happier.
But why was there no lesson about agency when I was a kid? I used to believe that agency is a born trait, just like charismatic people do. People either have it or not. But, like a baby who learns to walk, we can also learn to be more agentic. I believe agency is a life skill that can be nurtured into part of our identity.
Then, how do we introduce and nurture agency in our daily lives?
Embrace your edges
In her recent post of How To Be More Agentic,
believes in finding real edges:"Things you are willing to do that others aren't, often because they're annoying or unpleasant."
Embracing edges can set us apart from the crowd because we are willing to do things that most people around us won't. It puts us in a unique position to differentiate ourselves from others. Suppose we only follow what the crowd tells us to do. In that case, we are less agentic because we don't have our own opinion and act in a way others consider safe and accepted.
“If Rudy had just given up on his circumstance of being imprisoned in the camp and not separated himself from others, he wouldn't have been able to save more than 200k people.”
Embracing edges can also apply to doing things that are uniquely yours. I chose not to drink alcohol and smoke with my peers, even when they did at the bar or during dinner, because I care about my health. I used to be on the other side, joining the crowd and longing for acceptance. But over time, I feel like I am betraying myself, compromising my values and well-being to fit in. So, instead of thinking about seeking acceptance from other people, I learned to accept myself and be okay with it.
Build your “ask” muscle
I read Million Dollar Weekend (MDW) by Noah Kagan a few months ago. Unlike any other typical business book, MDW strongly emphasizes practice. Forget about a business plan. A business plan is like bullshitting yourself to do a business. If you want to start a business, then learn to sell. Selling is asking for something.
"Build your 'ask' muscle—ask and get rejected."
That's the key topic that stood out the most to me. The book asks readers to email their friends and colleagues and ask for $1 from them. I thought, "What kind of crazy idea is this?! There's no way I'd do this while I'm alive!!"
But it had to be worth it if I had to do it, so I took this further.
I didn't ask a handful of my friends using email; instead, I posted an IG Story that broadcasted to more than 500 friends to give me $1. It was a terrifying experience because I felt like all eyes were on me while I looked dumb. Asking for money out of the blue sounds bizarre, doesn't it? But it worked. Some friends just gave me money. My e-wallet account started accumulating $1 for 20 people each. I was stoked. My confidence has been boosted.
So, I took another challenge.
The book encourages me to ask for a 10% discount whenever I visit a coffee shop. Again, I took this further.
I asked for 50% off, a request that made me want to vomit. The barista looked just as confused as I felt inside. "Why the hell am I doing this?" I thought. "Why humiliate myself publicly? What am I trying to prove?" My mind went to a raging war.
It turned out it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I asked the barista, "Hey, can I ask for a 50% discount?" He responded with a polite smile and shook his head slightly," I'm sorry, we can't do that." I said okay while looking like a moron asking something impossible in the first place. Both of us moved on after 2 minutes. "If I could survive 2 minutes of humiliation, I could survive for more," as I convinced myself this exercise was worth it.
As Seneca said:
"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality."
The key lesson I've learned by building my "ask muscle" is that the more I do it, the less scary it becomes in my imagination. The more I realize what is possible in life.
Here's a simple visual I made to explain it.
I used to be afraid of doing something that was not considered "normal" in my perception of reality. But my reality expanded as I embraced the discomfort and fear within me that used to tell me what was possible in my life. Just like walking, expanding reality is a muscle to grow. I can train to overcome discomfort and fear by building my "ask" muscles.
Your dream job might be a cold DM away on X.
Your soulmate might be a "Hi.. How are you doing?" away at your gym.
Your business partner might be a "Hey, what are you working on lately?" on your LinkedIn.
Your new and higher salary might be an "ask" away from negotiating with your manager.
When I was on sabbatical across Europe, Japan, and SEA, I used to attend every nomad meetup just to meet new people and ask how they were doing. I also tried to say hi to start a conversation on the street. The more I did it, the better I got and the less scary it was in my imagination. Making new friends doesn't sound scary anymore as I have gained skills and confidence that expand my reality to embody what is possible.
Learn to say “NO” more
As social creatures, we default to saying "Yes" to every opportunity and event because we want to be part of something and feel accepted by our social groups. It's normal. But if saying yes does more harm than good, we must think again.
For example, I just say no if my friends ask me to hang out when I don't feel like it. Saying no is powerful. It means putting yourself first above everything else.
My friend
told me to learn to say no. He says, "You need to be selfish with yourself without being a jerk." Josh said no to his brother when asked to go to a restaurant after running a marathon. "It's weird, I don't usually reject my brother's offer, but during that time, I didn't feel like it, so I just said no," recalls him.Saying no applies to everything. A project that you don't want to do because the stakeholder is a jerk. A new job with a higher salary but less time with family. A social event that no longer interests you.
Saying no can improve the agency.
"The best way to say no is to understand what is normal to you, then act against it," adds Josh.
I was a "yes man" once. I said, "Yes, let's go!" whenever my friends asked me where/what to eat. I kept my opinions to myself. Then, I started to let my voice be heard. I said no when friends asked where to eat and suggested other options I liked. After doing it a few times, I realized I could act according to my will instead of passively acting on my friend's will.
Be comfortable looking dumb
Have you ever struggled when doing something new? Like learning a new language, starting your YouTube channel, writing consistently on X/Substack/LinkedIn, designing a landing page, working on a new project, or speaking in public? It feels terrifying; I feel like a complete loser. I wonder if I'll be good at this new thing and question whether it's worth pursuing. Then, I start to hate it.
Considering that I have spent years getting good at something, I don't want to look dumb at other things. But looking dumb is a form of agency, as Sasha said in his post, The Moat of Low Status:
"This is not an uplifting story. I'm not telling you to enjoy the Moat of Low Status. There's no way to enjoy them. There are only a few freaky people who genuinely don't give a fuck about their level of esteem. If you were one of them, you'd know it already. Most people who seem like trailblazing don't-give-a-fuck types just give a different variety of fuck. They feel bad, too."
By struggling with being a beginner and looking dumb, I can learn more about myself and expand my reality by navigating new challenges and uncertainties. In the end, it feels liberating.
I felt completely insecure when I shifted my career from marketer to product. I didn't know if I could make it. I had no idea what PM does daily. I had to learn by asking many questions and watching a lot of podcasts. I once asked my ex-colleague why users were uninstalling our apps. For an experienced PM, that question was too broad and didn't lead to a specific answer, but I had to ask to better understand my new work.
As I gained proof that I had some results, when I looked back, I was glad that I kept pushing myself hard and arrived at a better place by crossing the moat. This experience made me more confident in embracing the uncertainties in life.
Know what you want and get it
My friend
told me that he never needed more agency. It came naturally. He realized he came from a place with limited opportunities and created his own."I think having more agency is much more about realizing that you have to know something you want and get it no matter what it takes, as painful as it is."
Tim Ferris has this thing called Painful Reckoning. He says most people have insufficient reasons to take action to get what they want because the pain isn't painful enough. It's a nice-to-have, not a must-have. That's why they don't pursue it as hard as they can.
Being clear about what he wants and having the fuel to get it makes Linart live more intentionally. He creates his life design and plans his ideal week in as much detail as possible to ensure that what he does is according to his goal. "I like to be intentional with my time. I built my ideal week before and reflect on it every end of the week," adds him.
Another example of this is to find your backdoor, as suggested by
. In her words:“That is the thing about the back door– you have to be brave enough to put yourself out there and be seen. You have to be resourceful and put your own courage before your fears. You have to ask for help. You have to stop thinking about what could go wrong and let yourself dream about what could go right.”
Building an agency means introducing more control over my life. It's about taking my destiny into my hands. It's an act to avoid becoming a victim of culture, society, and other circumstances. But doing it doesn't mean I have to make a radical choice. I can still do it by being aware of my current circumstances and acting according to my will. It's about overcoming the discomfort and fear to live the life I want.
Agency is like going to the gym; I need to keep training to ensure I own my destiny and have a more expansive reality. Whenever I face a challenge in my daily life, I ask myself if there's something I could have done had I been more brave. It helps me rewire my brain to find other ways to push myself forward to do the things I'm supposed to be doing and not run away from it.
Thank you to Becky Isjwara for giving me valuable feedback on this piece.
💡 Life Update
🔊 Podcast binge-ing: NotebookLM by AI & I and
. A must-listen for building your second brain with AI.💎 My favorite quote of the week: "I was waiting for something extraordinary to happen, but as the years wasted on, nothing ever did unless I caused it.” - Charles Bukowski.
📚 Books I'm reading: I'm currently in 45% of The Science of Storytelling by Will Storr and 8% of Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships.
🧑💻 Favorite new app: Sublime. A note-taking multiplayer app to capture ideas.
🛠️ New project I'm working on: Creator Bullets (The 5-minute actionable insights, resources, and strategies on how the top 1% of creators and solopreneurs monetize their businesses).
📨 Interesting read: Write for Yourself by
.
Great stuff, Wyndo! How are you finding Sublime and the Will Storr book?